20 Mar How Do I Do This
Who is this sweet sweet Little Man I am holding? He is so tiny and such a boy! All these memories of Baby Girl are flooding my mind and I am trying to fight it by staring at Little Man. I don’t feel the same way as I did about her. Not to mention how do I take care of a two day old? Why isn’t he drinking all of his measly two ounces? His diaper isn’t wet enough I don’t think. Maybe it’s because I have size one diapers that the hospital gave me. So dumb. He is 6lbs 12oz right now. This thing is huge on him. Oh well, they are free!
I have never taken care of a two day old. Both of my kids were in the NICU. Abby till day nine and Ethan till day twenty-one. They were on schedules already, so was Baby Girl.
Little Man doesn’t really cry so how do I know what’s wrong? I knew if something was wrong with Baby Girl! I need Erwin now but he is off supporting us…
All of this was on a loop running through my head over and over again till Erwin got home later that second day and I just bawled! I was scared. I was scared I wouldn’t love him like I loved Baby Girl. I was upset at myself for not knowing exactly what was wrong with him so I could fix it. I was sooo nervous about the first visit with Bio-Mom. (more on that later)
I haven’t had to do anything besides love our first and second Angels babies. Now there is a Mom involved. I thought I was ready. But I’m not. I miss Baby Girl. I miss the routine and the expected. I miss her smile and her head on my shoulder. I can’t stop crying and Erwin is going back to work in two days. To this day I sometimes forget how my husband is my other half. He literally balances me out. Like he has always said, we are like a puzzle that just fits! He got down in front of me as I held Little Man and said, “You are doing a great job! You are an amazing mother! Little Man is so lucky to have you. You are doing everything right! And you WILL love him as much as you loved Baby Girl”. Thank God for him.
Later that night I had to pick the kids up from a party where I would run into a lot of my dear friends. I took the baby with me. I had lots of questions and opportunities to speak about Angel’s and their mission, plus how much I love doing what I do. The next morning I was a whole new person. I was back on my feet again, a bit wobbly because Little Man is not exactly a good night sleeper, but I was standing ready to do this!